Candy & Kites
a ten-minute play in a day
An adorable little shop on the beach. Buckets of saltwater taffy, fudge, colorful kites of all kinds. The PROPRIETOR reads a magazine behind the counter.
A bell tinkles as the SUNBURNT MAN enters.
PROPRIETOR
Welcome to Candy and Kites! We sell candy, and we sell kites. Let me know if you have any questions.
SUNBURNT MAN
Thank you.
A long beat while the SUNBURNT MAN searches for aloe vera.
SUNBURNT MAN
Excuse me.
PROPRIETOR
Yes.
SUNBURNT MAN
You wouldn’t happen to have any aloe vera, would you?
PROPRIETOR
We sell candy, and we sell kites.
SUNBURNT MAN
I understand that.
PROPRIETOR
Let me know if you have any other questions.
Another long beat.
SUNBURNT MAN
I mean, in the back, or behind the counter, or
PROPRIETOR
Sorry, sir?
SUNBURNT MAN
You wouldn’t happen to have aloe vera behind the counter?
PROPRIETOR
Only candy and kites behind the counter, sir.
SUNBURNT MAN
You’re the only shop for several miles up the beach.
PROPRIETOR
Yes.
SUNBURNT MAN
You have to take a ferry to get to this island in the first place.
PROPRIETOR
Yes.
SUNBURNT MAN
You’re sure you wouldn’t have some aloe vera.
PROPRIETOR
Just candy.
SUNBURNT MAN
I know.
PROPRIETOR
And kites.
SUNBURNT MAN
You know what, thank you, I had figured that out.
PROPRIETOR
Let me know if you have any other questions.
Long beat.
SUNBURNT MAN
Your manager’s an idiot.
PROPRIETOR
Excuse me?
SUNBURNT MAN
He’s got prime real estate here on the beach. He could charge forty dollars for a bottle of aloe vera and I’d be grateful to buy it.
PROPRIETOR
Thank you for your feedback, sir. We value feedback at Candy and Kites.
SUNBURNT MAN
Can I speak to your manager?
PROPRIETOR
You are.
SUNBURNT MAN
Excuse me?
PROPRIETOR
I am the manager and proprietor of Candy and Kites.
SUNBURNT MAN
Are you serious?
PROPRIETOR
Can I interest you in a dragon kite?
SUNBURNT MAN
How are you still in business?
PROPRIETOR
Location.
SUNBURNT MAN
But you could have a little section, a kiosk that sells sunscreen and aloe and flip-flops.
PROPRIETOR
We sell candy and we sell kites.
SUNBURNT MAN
Are you seriously telling me that there’s no aloe vera in this entire building?
PROPRIETOR
No.
SUNBURNT MAN
Not in the bathroom?
PROPRIETOR
There is no bathroom, sir. Let me know if you have any other questions.
The MAN stews.
SUNBURNT MAN
You’re morally evil.
PROPRIETOR
I’m sorry?
SUNBURNT MAN
This is the most horrific act of moral laxity I’ve ever witnessed in my life.
PROPRIETOR
I think you have a very easy life, sir.
SUNBURNT MAN
The only reason you can sell candy and kites in the first place is because of an unbroken chain of people following market incentives dating back to the dawn of civilization.
PROPRIETOR
I see.
SUNBURNT MAN
The sugar in your candy and the nylon in your kites are the fruits of a centuries-long dance.
PROPRIETOR
That’s a lovely sentiment, sir.
SUNBURNT MAN
Right now you’re being a terrible follow.
PROPRIETOR
I’m not sure that I see what you mean.
SUNBURNT MAN
This social contract has made all of civilization possible. And you’re flouting it by not stocking aloe vera.
PROPRIETOR
But I don’t want to stock aloe vera. I want to stock candy and kites.
Long beat.
The PROPRIETOR puts her purse on the counter and begins spreading aloe vera on her face.
SUNBURNT MAN
Is there aloe in there?
PROPRIETOR
Excuse me?
SUNBURNT MAN
Is there aloe vera in your purse?
PROPRIETOR
You can’t just ask a shopkeep if she has aloe in her purse.
SUNBURNT MAN
I will give you one hundred dollars if you’ll give me the aloe from your purse.
PROPRIETOR
My purse is private.
SUNBURNT MAN
Two hundred.
PROPRIETOR
No.
SUNBURNT MAN
Two thousand.
PROPRIETOR
I direct you to the name of the shop.
SUNBURNT MAN
Four thousand. Think of all the dragon kites you could buy with four thousand dollars.
PROPRIETOR
You sell aloe, if you like.
SUNBURNT MAN
I’m sorry?
PROPRIETOR
There’s an opening down the road. Take your four thousand and negotiate and set yourself up a shop that sells aloe vera.
SUNBURNT MAN
I want to enjoy my day at the beach.
PROPRIETOR
Well, you’ve identified an opportunity. Take it. I sell candy and kites.
Very long beat.
SUNBURNT MAN
Imagine a candy.
PROPRIETOR
Okay.
SUNBURNT MAN
This candy has the consistency of a cold jelly. And unlike other candies, it is not quite eaten. You consume it by rubbing it on the face.
PROPRIETOR
Aloe vera is not candy, sir.
SUNBURNT MAN
Imagine… a kite.
PROPRIETOR
Aloe vera is also not a kite.
SUNBURNT MAN
Do you have anything that might function somewhat like aloe vera? Anything, anything at all?
Long beat.
PROPRIETOR
We have pistachio fudge, sir.
SUNBURNT MAN
Fine.
PROPRIETOR
We also have a dragon kite that might provide some shade.
SUNBURNT MAN
Fine, fine, I’ll take it.
PROPRIETOR
That’ll be fifty-three ninety-four.
SUNBURNT MAN
Highway robbery.
The SUNBURNT MAN pays.
A PARCHED WOMAN comes into the shop.
PROPRIETOR
Welcome to Candy and Kites! We sell candy, and we sell kites. Let me know if you have any questions.
PARCHED WOMAN
You wouldn’t happen to have water, would you?