krokodiloj
a ten-minute play-in-a-day
zero draft, 4.7.26
CHARACTERS:
LACEY — she/her. About 28, but carries herself like someone younger.
LOU — she/her. About 30, but carries herself like someone older.
SETTING
The inside of an unspecified container. It rattles constantly. Think a space capsule, though we remain on earth.
TIME
Now.
Two women standing in a rattling, enclosed space.
It jostles them back and forth. It lists side to side. Every once in a while it jumps and one of the women is thrown against the wall. Whatever it is, it’s just large enough for the two of them to stand up.
LACEY sits down and folds her knees to her chest.
LOU
You’ve gotta stand.
LACEY
Sorry?
LOU
They’ll disqualify you if you’re not standing up.
Just—
LOU lets her body go completely limp, like a piece of seaweed.
The container tries to slam her against the roof.
LOU grins.
LACEY gets up.
LACEY
I love your top.
LOU
First time?
LACEY
Yeah.
LOU
This is the worst part.
LACEY
Really?
LOU
It’s way easier from here. You’ll get out, you’ll start dry-heaving, but you’ll be fine.
LACEY
I thought they, like, blindfolded us?
LOU
They used to. But somebody sued.
LACEY
Sued?
LOU
Well, they lost, obviously—
LACEY
Who would sue?
LOU
Ex-employees. Jealous.
LACEY
Sure.
The container bumps into something.
LOU laughs.
LACEY (nauseated)
You must do this all the time—
LOU
Every January.
LACEY
Wow.
LOU
Watched it grow up. From a couple shacks in the desert to—
LACEY
All this—
LOU
All this.
LACEY
So you’ve been doing this for, like, nine years.
LOU
Eleven, if you count the first two.
LACEY
Wow. You’re an OG.
LOU
I think everyone who wants to run for elected office should have to do this.
The container throws them to the side.
Something shatters.
LACEY
Does it work?
LOU
Yeah.
LACEY
The book says it works.
LOU
It works.
LACEY
And it doesn’t just work for people like Joyce
LOU
Do I seem like I’m like Joyce
LACEY (lying)
Yeah.
LOU
Joyce is exceptional, not everyone can be Joyce.
LACEY
But we can try!
LOU
Sure.
The container begins to turn. Is it going to roll over?
LACEY
I’m here to learn Esperanto!
LOU
Sorry?
LACEY (trying to keep standing)
I’m trying to learn Esperanto.
It’s like, the world is ending, and I want to learn Esperanto before I die—
LOU
Oh, very cool.
LACEY
You must think I’m like actually insane to be putting myself through / this for
LOU
I think you’re insane if you don’t put yourself through this.
LACEY
What do you want to do with it?
Little pause. The container rights itself. The shaking continues.
LOU
You can’t—
LACEY
Sorry?
LOU
You can’t ask me that right now.
LACEY
Oh, of course, sorry.
LOU
Technically, you weren’t supposed to have told me / about the Esperanto —
LACEY
Sorry, I’m sorry.
LOU
No, no, no, we’re good.
LACEY
Are you gonna kick me out?
LOU
I won’t tell.
LACEY
I’m learning!
LOU
You’re learning. Yeah.
Pause. A continuous side-to-side rumbling begins.
LACEY
Reading about this was transformative—
LOU
It always is
LACEY
—it just completely reframed my worldview. Um, I was wondering what it’s / done
LOU
Done for me?
LACEY
Yeah.
LOU
Well, I feel like I’m Here now.
LACEY
Really?
LOU
Yeah. And I wasn’t always like that, you know, it was something that took this to bring it out.
LACEY
What did you used to be like?
LOU
Just, you know. Like most people.
(shouting over the rumbling)
LOST.
LACEY (shouting)
LOST?
LOU
IN THE WAYS THAT MOST PEOPLE ARE.
LACEY
LIKE, COMPLETELY UNAWARE? AND BROKEN?
LOU
YEAH.
A change in direction. Pitching and rattling.
LACEY is definitely going to throw up.
LACEY
How long does / this —
LOU
What do you do?
LACEY (retching)
I do all kinds of things I work for myself. Is there a—
LOU
You’re okay, you’re not gonna barf, you’re okay
LACEY
This is so fun!
LOU
This is why I’m here, you’re okay
LACEY
Get me the hell out of here! Ha.
LOU
Do you speak any languages besides English?
LACEY
What?
LOU
DO YOU SPEAK ANY LANGUAGES BESIDES ENGLISH?
LACEY
BASIC AMHARIC!
LOU
AM-SORRY?
LACEY
Oh my GOD
LOU
YOU’VE GOT IT, YOU’VE GOT IT!
LACEY
AMHARIC AND SOME THAI
LOU
WHY THOSE?
LACEY
THE CALLIGRAPHY
LOU
WHAT?
LACEY
THE SCRIPT, THE WR—
(pure panic)
GET ME OUT OF HERE, GET ME, GET ME OUT OF HERE
LOU
YOU’RE FINE!
LACEY (banging on the wall)
GET ME OUT, GET ME THE FU–
The rumbling becomes a much softer side-to-side shaking.
A weird hissing noise.
LACEY (almost hyperventilating)
Jesus Christ, Jesus, Jesus Christ
LOU (joking)
He’s not here.
LACEY
Oh my God—
LOU
You’re good, girl.
LACEY
This is messed up, oh my God.
LOU
I felt like you, you’re fine.
LACEY
Jesus Christ—
LOU
Do you really wanna go?
Little pause.
LOU
Because, you know, I can call Dave—
LACEY
No, no, no. I’m great.
LOU
Or I can just, like, chat with Joyce. You know.
LACEY
I’m fine.
Silence in the shaking.
LOU
You know, my first time, I actually did hurl.
LACEY
Yeah?
LOU
It was one of the most incredible moments of my entire life.
LACEY
What do you mean?
LOU
Like I came out of the pod and I was just absolutely drenched in my own sticky vomit, like I was covered in it. It was coating probably every strand of my hair
LACEY
Wow
LOU
And I had this, like, epiphany
I was just so myself that I could walk out of this covered in my own vomit looking like a queen
It cracked me right open
Changed my life.
LACEY is silent.
The pod rumbles.
LACEY begins to retch.
She begins to retch some more. We realize she is retching on purpose.
LOU joins her.
LOU shows LACEY how to vomit.
The two retch together: LOU, LACEY, LACEY, LOU.
It has a rhythm to it, like music.
END OF PLAY
Jes, ekzakte :D